My Coming Out Party

Pansexuality to me is the sexual or romantic attraction towards people that is not limited to gender identity or sexual orientation. Much of being pan for me is the emotional attractiveness of one’s personality instead of their gender or sexual orientation.

I always wondered why I was so personally attracted to such good hearted people.

I always was curious about everyone. As a kid I didn’t really care much whether you were a boy or a girl. I was genuinely curious about you. What are your parents like? What is your social life like? What do you like? Who do you like?

Curiosity is a hell of a drug sometimes. The need to know about someone you’re interested in can be relatively infectious. Think about all the new romantic relationships you’ve started through the years. All you want to do is talk to them, get to know them; know everything about them. Especially coming from someone who has had general anxiety his entire life…It can be relatively overwhelming. But that curiosity can get you beat up. It can get you called names. Sometimes that curiosity can put your life at risk.

My life from grade 8 until about the end of high school was that. While I was still identifying as straight back then and I was pretty sure I was I was still called all the slurs likely because of some of my outward mannerisms. That and kids just suck sometimes.

I didn’t come out Pansexual until around summer/fall 2018. Just over two years ago as of this post. I’m very openly Pan and couldn’t be more comfortable with myself. With the world as it is today, I am confident enough in my sexuality to let a lot of vitriol slide off my back, but also outward enough to come off as whatever I want to portray in order to protect myself. It’s tough working as a truck driver and being so sexually open. The culture in this industry is so misogynistic and at times homophobic that it can get pretty uncomfortable.

The most important thing I learned from coming out is that it genuinely isn’t a choice. You’re born how you are. You love who you love. You’re attracted to who you’re attracted to. No one chooses to be someone who is hated by a very vocal and violent minority of people. I was always Pan. It just took me 32 years to realize it.

I’ve internally battled almost my entire life what I was. Am I straight? Am I gay? Am I bi? Am I just curious? What the hell am I? I like girls, but I think that guy friend of mine is kind of cute. Am I straight and just comfortable with my sexuality? Or am I something else and genuinely attracted to him? My friend just grabbed my ass as a joke. But I kind of liked it. What the hell does that mean?

I’ve spent most of my life struggling with what I was supposed to do. I was raised Catholic even though I’ve very much since become Theist Agnostic (For those unfamiliar, I believe in God but I don’t subscribe to any particular religion or newsletter or think deities take attendance). I was raised on the whole belief that men and women are the only structure that should exist. To deviate from that is an affront to God and your family. Raised in a small town with next to zero cultural or racial diversity outside of white people and some native people from the reserve outside of town, you’re pretty much expected to believe that genitals dictate gender binary. So it was difficult growing up being attracted to just about everyone who was nice to me but having to focus my attention to a certain set of genitalia. It was tough in the small town environment, where everyone knows everyone, your dad is high management at the nuclear plant, and your mom works at a church. There are just expectations that you feel you’ll never live up to.

So when I was growing up, I tried to like girls more. I had some mild attraction to male friends, but because of the expectations of gender roles and sexuality in my town, I only ever pursued girls. I had some very successful and long lasting relationships, one of which I am still friends with today. Even after school was said and done I was only pursuing female partners because that’s what I thought I had to do. I was still always interested in the other side. Never to name names, but when I was in late high school, and especially after college and returning home as a 20-something, there were some guys in my town that I thought about a lot.

It was so difficult to try and maintain certain feelings; because I was raised on the idea that they were unwanted and unwarranted. And I’ll give my parents credit in this post that they were never dismissive of anything. It was the culture of the town. The culture of the environment of which I was raised. My parents never dismissed anything I felt. Hell they encouraged it. I was just raised in a small town that was relatively toxic towards it.

I had gay friends. I had bi friends. I also heard of the shit they went through as well. Certain groups of friends I spent time with were always very positive towards them, and sexuality in general. Other groups called them names you can probably imagine without thinking too hard. You can probably imagine how quickly I began to disassociate from them because they were talking about people I liked, people who were my friends, and without really understanding at the time, people I had feelings for.

Fast forward to about 2 years ago. I’m married to an amazing and accepting life-partner, I have close friends who are of every gender identity on the spectrum who are all open, honest, and accepting of others. I can feel safe asking questions and feeling feelings. I can reach out to anyone if I’m confused or concerned and feel safe in those interactions. All of a sudden I am thrust into an environment that is accepting of curiosity and experimentation. And I like it. I’m comfortable. I’m accepted. I’m appreciated. And most of all I’m loved.

I no longer needed to feel like I was trying to fit into some role. I was finally that queer block fitting into the queer hole in the box. And I felt comfortable to come out for the first time as such, at almost 32 years old. I still remember making that Facebook post for the first time and the amount of overwhelming love I felt. I got next to zero hate from anyone which goes to show the circle of relationships I’ve cultivated over the years and the amazing people I get to call friends and family.

So that’s essentially my story in a very small nutshell. I am someone who is in love with the person not the gender. I don’t care what is between your legs I care about what is in your heart. That is the *human* I am attracted to. I am attracted to heart. I am attracted to the personality of the individual, not the gender or orientation they prefer.

I am very open, honest, and comfortable with my identity and sexuality for the first time in my life. If you are reading this and are moved by it but don’t know how to feel about it or if there is any confusion I am more than willing to answer any questions or help in any way I can. We are living in a time in which LGBT people are accepted more than ever before. However, there is absolutely more work to do but if I can help be a small splinter in breaking down that barrier than I want to be a part of it. If you are at all unsure about your feelings, experiences, how gender identity works, or how the gay agenda isn’t actually an agenda, please reach out to myself or Quin. Our contact page is 100% confidential. It is a safe place to ask questions to someone who would love to help with some answers

Much love to everyone.