Brain Hamsters & Stove Touching

I have these two tagalongs. I never quite imagined they’d find themselves in perfect synchronicity to make a whole darn thing really complicated for me. Normally these two keep to their own corners and don’t really talk. We’ve well established at this point that I live with challenges, not necessarily well understood by the world at large.

Nevertheless very real to my existence.

As this site has become real and we’ve started to build momentum into what it could be I find myself hitting several areas of challenge. So today we’re going to talk about Imposter Syndrome and Pathological Demand Avoidance. These are somewhat murky ideas that even the internet can struggle to define though there are multiple threads through may people’s experiences that are fleshing out a bigger picture as to what they are. This is my contribution for how it manifests for me in this particular instance.

Imposter Syndrome

Speaking not as a doctor but for myself I find my imposter syndrome manifests in feeling undeserving/unworthy as well as feeling like I am somehow fooling everyone into believing in me, even when I’m doing exactly the things I believe in, choose to do, and want to do.

Wikipedia describes Imposter Syndrome as: Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud".

For example, say I get a cookie from the cupboard and also take a cookie to my husband. I wanted to take him a cookie. I am choosing to. I just made a decision to go hand him a cookie. He says, “thank you, that’s very kind of you”.

Cue my internal monologue of “I AM A HORRIBLE HUMAN AND I AM FOOLING THIS NICE MAN! I manipulated him into thinking I was good because I GAVE HIM A COOKIE”.

You can imagine how this cramps any possible ability to accept a compliment or credit at any point in time and also how easily that mindset can be used to manipulate me if given the opportunity. My brain will leap to any opportunity to be “the bad guy” because it makes sense to imposter syndrome.

Especially now.

Imposter Syndrome: “Well if you ARE doing it, then what’s really wrong with you? You’re totally faking this whole thing, they’re going to know”.

I find myself replying: “You’re absolutely right. They’re going to know because I’m going to tell them. Doing things is hard. Being vulnerable is hard. I operate in transparent honesty because there’s nothing to find out here”.

Imposter syndrome doesn’t want to let that go. It syncs well with the anxiety that just chants “What if” with no good conclusion or reasoning to the concern. That for me is often the issue with both of these issues. It’s the eternal drum beat that goes between “What if” and “Or else”.

I feel like it’s under a magnifying glass and I feel like I should hide it. Nothing quite keeps secrets like shame. I am determined this will not be a place where I allow externally taught shame to have agency over what I’m doing here. So while things went super quiet after “THE BIG ASK” this is the soundtrack to the interlude. I am grateful and thankful to see it moving and we’ll see how the momentum can grow over time. I am also exceptionally overwhelmed at the very notion of it all as I move through it.

One of the issues that can also magnify the sense of imposter syndrome is that if something is not quickly and easily profit making, it doesn’t serve under the greater umbrella that is the acceptance of capitalism within our society. Those who take non capitalism centered routes to accomplish a goal are immediately questioned and often maligned. Which has already happened with this since long before the blog idea became a thing. 

Pathological Demand Avoidance

For some people PDA is a part of their ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) and/or ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), though some people experience it independently as well. It can include things like resisting/avoiding ordinary demands of life, excessive sociability, and sometimes “moody” or impulsive and obsessive behaviours. The ability or enjoyment to avoid certain things in life is incredibly stimulating. If I make myself be the life of the party or at the very least create enough interest in conversation for long enough I get to have an excuse for avoiding the basic requirements of life for a short period of time.

I’d rather wet myself than touch the stove.

Yeah, that is just as ridiculous as it sounds. Imagine turning on your stovetop, pick an element and turn it on absolute max. Watch it heat up. You can see the flames, or the element redden. It is hot. Branding iron hot. Now, with an open relaxed posture, put your open hand on that element. Place it ever so gently on the burning surface and hold it contently and calmly there while you burn. Consider all the things your brain is saying right now: the tension, the flight, the fear, the self-preservation, but you have to keep doing it anyway.

That is the absolute abject terror that is me looking at basic life things.

Normal behaviours are a monolith of terror. Imagine if every basic thing you had to do every day came with a monolith of terror. We talk about “spoon supply” and this fits there, and also beyond that. If the concept of just getting up and going to the bathroom caused you as much distress as putting your hand on a stove, you would do all you could to avoid it. If the idea of putting clothes away, or hanging up your jacket when you come home was filled with the same sense as putting your hand on burning iron, it would suddenly make sense to you how impossible these basic behaviours are.

The things that are “demands” in life live in a whole different world from some of the profound philosophy and thought that comes from these kinds of people. I remember my mother telling me tales of tying engineer’s shoes and their ties before meetings. Their brains thought such big and interesting things, that basic life skills escaped them. They were also very important people to the company and were extended compassion and understanding because those skills could be monetized and that’s what capitalism does.

Lots of people have big thoughts to share, big dreams, knowledge, compassion, and planning that aren’t seen as valuable because they cannot be monetized in the same way so capitalism says it is invalid.

Just because it is declared invalid doesn’t mean there isn’t a whole host of people who spend every day struggling to tie their shoes, or make food, or go to the washroom for the exact same reasons.

A lovely creator who I have the privilege to call a friend often refers to “what if we lived in once upon a time, we would just be cave oracles who dispense knowledge and care, while others make sure we’re fed and haven’t died”

Because simply being is valuable.

The larger concepts are left to my various brain hamsters to spin into wild tales of catastrophe but that drum beat just plays through every moment of every day. Sometimes it is quieter than others. Some days I’m very good at managing. However there are more days where I’m just doing what I can because “doing my best” is not an available option. It is a bit high traffic and cacophonous inside my mind.

Who knew they’d come to this tango together? When we launched the GoFundMe, the first day it was nearly 400$ and a day later nearly 500$. In an instant people had shown up to tell me they believe in my dream. It is wonderful, caring, moving, hopeful… It has been an incredible thing to see.

Also very activating.

Now I’m nervous. What if I do it wrong? I can’t do this, it’s too scary. I’m too anxious. I have a hard enough time telling myself to take a shower, let alone “hey let’s do this whole blog thing and post about it and just PUT IT OUT THERE and have people donate us money and criticize everything we say”. That’s also very much why I feel the need to do this thing and to confess to the less flattering parts of it. I know I’m not alone in this experience and I believe people should get to see themselves in the world around them even when it isn’t comfortable. So I am trying to do the thing while all of me says, “you can’t do it”.

I’ll never resign my dream or quit my project. I will however try to be compassionate to my scared self and work to post when I can, as I can. I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have lots of love around me and lots of people who believe in me, and that can get quieted by what my brain tells me. For now my brain knows it’s not true, and I can chip away at the volume I find creeping in sometimes.

I am trying well to tell others how things work in my world. I am also finding getting it down on the page is helpful so that I can go back when I am struggling to make sure I’m doing this “right” and remind myself that I’ve already been honest about how being productive can be difficult, and it’s okay.

Meanwhile the Brain Hamsters drum away while I continue to touch the stove.