How Autism Affects Me

This is going to end up a recurring theme but it also feels fitting for a first post on the website. Hi I’m Quin and I’m autistic. While I am nonbinary and use they/them pronouns, like many people designated female at birth I was in my early 20s before I was diagnosed. In most initial autism studies they only examined children designated male at birth and it wasn’t until very recently that any efforts were made in spotting the disorder in designated females. We have very gendered ways of raising children, and “girls” learn masking strategies much earlier in life in order to fit into the world.

I have spent years hearing about how I can’t possibly be autistic, or I “don’t look autistic” (newsflash there’s no look), or “but you must be really high functioning” (strip that from your vocabulary immediately it is incredibly ableist).

I am autistic, I describe myself as an autistic person, it is a pervasive developmental disorder. That means it colours everything about how I perceive the world. Every sense and every thought can be reverted back to being autistic. Autistic experience is unique and I can only speak for myself, if others relate to it awesome, if they don’t, that’s awesome too. It absolutely makes me who I am and to imagine “not being autistic” would be akin to deleting everything I have ever done in my life. It affords me a unique kind of charm that I hope brings delight to other people, and if it doesn’t, maybe there’s something they can learn. Who knows? Welcome aboard to my perception of the world caught on the internet.

I have a lot of trouble with a lot of things most people don’t even think about, my interactions are systematic routine of what I’ve learned to observe and respond to as appropriate within a social code I don’t understand or relate to in any way. This is called masking. My masking makes me sociable, charming, and funny. It is a survival skill, and while I’m (if I do say so myself) *very* good at it, it requires exhausting amounts of work that “typical” brains don’t notice. I have a lot of comorbid issues that come from being #actuallyautistic that further complicate my day to day life.

At this point even when I talk about my preferred ways of decorating a house or doing renovations, my autism gets a say in the matter. I discovered that while talking about my absolute need for a kitchen island that had an undermount sink, where another friend doesn’t like losing the counter space. I chose a sink because it is perfectly acceptable to move dishes around and wipe a counter down in order to self soothe instead of picking at my sweatshirt. Just as a quick example. I tend to move away from people when I’m excited because I tend to flap my hands or tap my fingers, regardless of age society discourages this behaviour. When I am excited I don’t necessarily have the same ability to control my gestures so I move away from others to protect their comfort instead of my own.

So how does this relate to what I want to do with my life? Well, there’s a lot of ways it impacts my choices, and I’m sure I’ll expand upon them in future, also feel free to leave questions or message my pages as this can help me know what to speak to on the topic.

I have always been the type to choose animals over people, they’re very easy to understand and require fewer resources to interact with. I relate strongly to spoon theory (www.butyoudontlooksick.com) and the fact that day to day things take away resources to do other things. I read a lot as a child and I read a lot about animals and the people who look after them. It became my escape, to build a fantasy farm where there’s beautifully structured routine and the expectations are simple.

I have a deep sense of a need to connect. Autism obviously colours how I can accomplish that. There are many lovely understanding people in this world who see me, know me, and love me just as I am. I am grateful for these people and their grace and love. I also know there are means of abiding social convention that help one expand their ability to bond. I am an enthusiastic host. I know well that feeding people and providing space for gathering is conducive to growing interpersonal bonds. This is part of why the farm became my vision. I care about my community and want a way to give through food. I also want a space where people can bring their dogs to run, to sit in the sweet smelling grass under the summer sun and have a lemonade and some pie. Verbal words are not my gift, but I know full tummies and happy hearts are.